There is no doubt that losing a loved one changes the whole landscape of your life. Things that you used to do together, you now have to do alone or not at all. Sometimes it can be more painful doing the same things, but without your person, but when you are ready, there is a way forward.
That is creating a new tradition that honours your loved one. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it is a way to integrate them in to your new life.
Andy and I had many trips to The Royal Free Hospital in London, as he was under their care for his liver transplant. We would travel up by train to Marylebone station and the trip back could be ‘interesting’ as he was often dosed up on sedatives from his various procedures.
He would not get on the train without a first purchasing a blueberry muffin from the station kiosk, even if queuing up meant we would have to get the later train back.
So I guess over time, blueberry muffins became a tradition.
After his death it was several years before I felt able to travel to Marylebone again and I was apprehensive that it was most likely going to be triggering.
When I pulled into the station, memories of those times floated like ghosts all around me. When I neared the kiosk, I felt compelled to buy a blueberry muffin in his honour. As I made my way out of the station, clutching it in a paper bag, I knew he would have wanted me to gift it to a homeless person. Right in front of me sat a young man on a pile of old blankets. I handed it over and he gratefully received it and said “ I love cake”. I can’t tell you how doing that made me feel so happy and connected to Andy. He was such a kind man and would have loved this small gesture. A new tradition got created that day and now this is something I look forward to doing every time I pass through the station.
Making new traditions with friends.
One of my best friends lost her mother and was feeling very tearful as she recalled that now they would never be able to go blackberry picking together again, as they had done for over twenty years.
As we talked, I acknowledged this was true and gently suggested, that if she was open to it, creating a new tradition that honours her mum and the special times they had shared blackberry picking, could be a helpful way forward.
So, along with another friend, we planned a trip out together to one of their favourite places to go and forage for blackberries.
We came back and made the most special apple and blackberry crumble together. As we enjoyed eating it, topped with vanilla ice cream, we shared stories of our childhoods. This was such a beautiful way to celebrate and honour her mum. Another blackberry picking trip already in the diary for next year. It will be a new tradition, that helps her heal from her grief, integrate her loss and keeps her mums memory alive. How beautiful is that!
Is there something you could build a new tradition around? Anna x