After Andy died, I remember wondering constantly: Am I doing this right?
I spent a lot of time curled up on the sofa or numbing out on a box set – although even then, my heartbreak was constantly with me, running in the background. I was so totally overwhelmed and lost, so very lost. I didn’t recognise the world without Andy or my place in it.
I kept thinking, Surely there’s a proper way to grieve. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Can I do it better, faster or bypass the pain?
But the truth is, grief doesn’t follow rules.
There is no checklist. No fixed timeline. No perfect emotional response.
Grief is as individual as your fingerprint—because your relationship with your loved one was unique, and so is your loss. Others grieving the same person can express it in a different way, and that’s ok. Neither one of you is doing it right or wrong.
Let go of the “shoulds”
You might feel pressure to “move on,” “stay strong,” or “keep it together.” You may even find yourself comparing your grief to others, wondering why you’re still struggling when someone else seems “fine.” I remember opening up to someone, and I couldn’t hold back the tears as I expressed the depth of my pain. They suggested that I should see a doctor, and I thought, I don’t need fixing, I am grieving, and this is what grief looks like.
Please, be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, and it’s exhausting. Do not add to the pressure you are under already by second-guessing if you are doing it right. Go with the flow and cry when you need to—or don’t cry at all. Talk about your loved one—or keep quiet if words won’t come. Take small steps forward—or rest and simply survive the day.
There’s no wrong way to grieve. There’s only your way.
It’s your grief, and you get to do it your way
You are allowed to do what feels right for you. That might mean lighting a candle each morning, talking to their photo, visiting a grave or staying away, or writing them letters. Or it might mean staying in bed, taking long walks, or surrounding yourself with people who understand.
Whatever helps you honour your loss while gently supporting your healing is enough.
You are not broken. You are grieving. And there’s nothing wrong with how you’re doing it.
A little reminder for today:
💛 You’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing something incredibly hard. And you’re doing it with love.
With you,
Anna x
Original artwork by Anna Watkins is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission.