Would you like to know one thing I did that really helped me shift forward in my healing journey? If so, read on, it could help you feel better.
There came a point in my grief journey when I realised I was unintentionally holding myself back from healing. Every experience, no matter how enjoyable, was filtered through a lens of loss. Instead of simply being present, I compared everything to how it would have been if Andy were still alive.
For example, if I had a lovely evening out with friends, I wouldn’t just appreciate the night for what it was. Instead, I’d find myself dwelling on the fact that I was going home alone. I would remember the times Andy and I had gone out together, how we laughed, how we held hands on the way back, and how now, I was always the “singleton.”
For someone who isn’t naturally extroverted, social events can be difficult enough. But, adding that internal dialogue of comparison made them even harder. No matter how much I tried to enjoy the moment, grief would sneak in and remind me of what was missing.
Then, I had a realisation: If I was ever going to find true happiness again, I needed to shift my perspective. I needed to stop measuring every new experience against the past and allow it to stand on its own.
It wasn’t easy. Grief has a way of pulling you back, making you long for what was. But I started making a conscious effort to be more present. Instead of thinking, “This isn’t how it would have been with Andy,” I tried to think, “This is a new experience, and I am grateful for it in its own way.”
Being aware of this habit didn’t make the pain disappear overnight, but it did help me find more balance. I began to see that joy and grief could exist together. That happiness in the present doesn’t erase love from the past. And most importantly, that I deserve to fully live the life I still have. This year, I am once again taking out a canal boat – this time with friends. I am sure I will reminisce and I’m certain that we will miss Andy and his amazing turning the boat around skills – but I am looking forward to this holiday in its own right. And that’s a beautiful thing.
If you find yourself constantly comparing the present to the past, know that you are not alone. It’s a natural part of grief. But when you’re ready, try shifting your focus. Find gratitude in the now. Allow yourself to embrace new experiences, not as replacements for what was, but as beautiful moments in their own right.
I discovered that to heal with more ease, we need to watch our thoughts and use this mind shift technique. I discuss this and other techniques I found useful in my book A Journey Through Grief, which is available on Amazon.
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